socket

nevermind, not coming to boulder, sorry to get all your hopes up (all two of you)

:(

some time i will visit!

here is a linkk click!!!

hi~!

here's a bulletted list of what i do these days:


-sit in my room
-get migraines
-unneccessarily regret a lot of things all the time (i'm getting pretty good at this)
-rightfully feel bad that my ability to keep up relations with people has slipped so much that i actually feel physical pain from how akward it is for me to even write someone an email, even if i want to talk to them
-maybe once a week visit the two friends ive made in the 5 months ive lived in illinois
-spend all of rest of my time learning microtonal music theory. its really cool. here's a list of ~700 different notes which exist in an octave: http://www.kylegann.com/Octave.html

sorry about who ive become and how shitty ive treated most of you. if you want to leave a comment i most likely wont respond but i will appreciate it, and i'll try and respond? i wouldnt trust me though. but i do appreciate comments even just a hello if youre so inclined.


ok bye!

"If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now (even if we don't speak often), please post a comment with a COMPLETELY REAL AND NONFICTIONAL memory of you and me.

It can be anything you want -- good or bad -- BUT IT HAS TO BE REAL.

When you're finished, post this little paragraph on your blog and be surprised (or mortified) about what people DON'T ACTUALLY NOT remember about you.... if you want..."

i had my MRI scan, the results came back, no brain tumor. thats good, i should be thankful for that, and i am.

but i just want my head to stop hurting.

it hurts all the time. there hasnt been a full week in the past 4 months where my head didnt hurt.

what would i tell a job? "hey sorry i cant come in for a few weeks ive got a headache please dont fire me! also this is going to happen a whole lot but maybe i can work like 5 or 6 days next month?"

at least i get to look forward to a few years of battling the government for the slight chance that they might grace me with a few hundred dollars a month worth of disability checks.

Alright so just to clarify the last thing I posted...

Right now you should take a moment to realize how lucky you are to have a roof over your head and running water and no one shooting at you. No matter what kind of problems you may have, they dont compare to starving in a disease-ridden street because someone shot you and took your food.

To put it another way, imagine if you had nothing, no possessions no friends no food no water no family, and you had to break into abandoned grocery stores to get food. Then suddenly someone gave you everything you have right now. Your stuff your friends your everything. You'd be pretty fucking happy. And that's how happy you should be the entire time youve got everything youve got.

Oh man, thank god for this hurricane. I've been feeling awesome because of it.

You should too. Sound weird? Try it.

First, think of all of your problems and everything that's going wrong in your life that you aren't happy about.

Then go read about the poor people in New Orleans who couldn't even afford to leave New Orleans. Now think about that for a second, they didn't even have enough money to get away from a class 4 hurricane! Next think about how, even with this awful tragedy, even with the atrocious, despicable job being done by our government to give aid to those people, theyre still receiving better aid than any second or third world country could possibly provide in this kind of catastrophe. Now think about THAT! Hell, there are even some people in the world who live in conditions like those poor souls in New Orleans (struggling for food and water with no medical attention while being shot at every day), but they live it every day!

Now go back to thinking about your "problems".

See what I mean?

hey tony get on aim more often ok? i miss you.

i live in chicago

"a scanner darkly" by philip k dick is the best book i have ever read, but is in fact the first book i have read of my own will in the past 10 years, so what do i know.

i miss tony i miss lisa i miss clare i miss zeke i miss dana i miss jesse i miss erin i miss a lot more people too so if i didnt list your name here that doesnt automatically mean i think you are a faggot or anything its just that im lazy but i still miss you!

i dont really miss boulder though

i havent been this sobre and free of drugs since 2002. it took some getting used to but i like it :)

i am really happy.

i dont have internet (i am posting from a public computer in a restroom of a taco bell, chicago is very high tech compared to boulder) so i will talk to you guys later!

not much going on here in utah. i dont leave my house and i have no friends (hey it's like i never left boulder!)

90% sure i will be moving to chicago very soon (hooray!)

got bored with weird music & started making "new-rave". its a lot like slutty electrotrash but faster and with stolen rap acapellas instead of gay vocals. also instead of being slutty in a scenester shit way its slutty in a cyborg hooker from the future that gives you robochlamydia way.

i just made up the term "new-rave" so i hope it sticks since it's marginally clever. marginally. margarine. migraine.

miss you all & hope everythings going well!

I just got message on myspace from someone inviting me to a gay orgy.

Oh internet :(

Right now I'm browsing the Salt Lake City myspace profiles. It looks like this:

Mormon.
Mormon.
Slut.
Mormon.
Slut.
Mormon.
Scenester.
Mormon.
Mormon.
Scenester Slut.
Mormon.
Mormon.
Slut.
Mormon.
Scenester Mormon Slut.

This will be interesting.

there were some problems with moving out of my house. i got fucked because people are lazy assholes and i'm out a $300 damage deposit. dealing with this took up a lot of my time and it prevented me from seeing everyone i wanted to see before i leave, sorry if you were one of those people.

:(

Dear Internet,

A little more than a year ago, my parents asked me if I wanted to move with them to Utah. I laughed at them, and told them there was no way in hell I'd ever move there. I'm grown up now, mom, and even though I'm going to miss you and dad a lot, I'm fine on my own. I'm not going to abandon everything I have here. Here we are, a year later, and the one-way drive to Salt Lake City is just two weeks away. I'm leaving an easy tech job where I can sit at my desk and listen to music all day and get paid $13 each hour. I'm leaving all the people I've grown to know in the past ten years. I'm leaving behind the first place I ever lived that felt like home to me. This is probably the biggest decision I've ever made in my sheltered little life, and obviously, it's something weird. I don't exacly know what "something weird" means, but whatever it is, it's hitting me to the point that I'd write some livejournal faggotry about it. I know that doesn't say much since I'd probably write a livejournal entry about muffins if I were in the mood...

If you've known me for a few years you might remember when I started learning how to be social. Creepy high school Nate somehow learned how to have self-confidence, and slowly the friday nights staying home and MUDding faded away into weekly liver abuse. I loved it. Oh god I loved it. I could actually hold a conversation with someone. People would actually invite me to parties, and then even be disappointed if I didn't show up. Girls would actually touch me. Real live girls, touching me in real life. Not pictures of girls on the internet, touching me in my head. Even cute boys would touch me, and to my surprise that was awesome too. I felt like I was a real person for once. I lost myself in a sea of breasts and hangovers, and it was beautiful. For a while.

As last year dragged on, the partying, the drinking, being slutty, it stopped working. It lost its edge. I felt empty. There was still a hole in my life that needed to be filled, and it became more and more clear that it wasn't a vagina as I had thought for so long. What finally started the change into who I am now, was a bit of an embarassing experience involving a girl I liked for a little while. I'm going to skip the details since I'm already a big faggot for writing so seriously in a livejournal. I don't want to risk further faggitude by writing seriously about a girl. Long story short, just how fucked up and weird I was when I actually was interested in a girl made me realize something: I'm still as weird and fucked up and creepy as I was in high school, I just got thin and learned how to dress and kept my mouth shut instead of saying stupid things. I'm not the spiky-haired character of the JesseNateZeke trio that I played last year. I'm the same fat kid I always was, lost in his headphones with some creepy emotional attatchment to videogames.

So in January, I decided that was it. No more drinking, no more parties, no more friends, and no more making out. You probably remember that (it was when I started being a dick). I stopped making the music I had been making for years before. I threw away around 50 minutes of an album I had spent a year on. I started writing about how I felt, instead of trying to make some stupid hardcore track that would destroy a dancefloor and get me all the hot breakcore girls/boys. And you know, I'm finally content with my life and everything that's happening in it. I'm almost done with an album, its about broken robots. I'll let you know when it's finished. I'm moving in with my parents so I can make music fulltime (as in 60+ hours a week instead of the 30 I'm doing now), and I'm so in love with writing music that I don't even mind that I'll be living in Mormonia for a little while. I have had no second thoughts at all about this in the past month or two, and honestly I can't wait.

Anyways, I guess the point of this is, I owe all of you an explanation for why I stopped being your friend, and there it is. I know it was shitty of me to just drop off the face of the earth like that, I didn't feel good about it then, and I still don't. It's just what I had to do, I hope you understand. It's cool if you don't.

I'm going to miss you.

Love,
Nate

it's fun to google image search your name!

http://images.google.com/images?hl=en&lr=&q=nathan+tarrant

unless your name is nathan tarrant, then it's just creepy.

god you homosexuals stop!!

HOMOSEXUALS!!

you dont even live here :(

Feverish and miserably sick for the second time in two weeks isn't how I wanted to turn 22, but you get what you pay for.

dear the internet,

woke up with a headgraine. did drugs. got really, really bored. shaved legs. started enjoying it. just kept shavin'. shaved everything except the head hair. did my hair. crossdressed. recommend you try it too sometime.

-nate!

p.s. jesse and zeke were supposed to come by and they didn't so :(